I had a rough time this past year at college. I was really depressed and lonely, and I did a lot of things that I am not proud of. As a result, I was recently diagnosed with genital herpes. When my doctor told me, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel even more alone and depressed than before, and I don't know what to do.
I am so angry with myself for being so stupid, and I am angry at the man who gave this to me. I'm scared; I feel dirty and damaged, unclean and unlovable. How am I ever going to be able to tell someone I love that I have herpes?
Hi.
You are not alone. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates around 45 million people carry the herpes virus in the U.S. alone, and what you are feeling is quite common among those who have just been diagnosed. Emotions can range from shame and anger to sadness and fear of rejection. For many, dealing with these emotions can even be more difficult than dealing with the symptoms of herpes itself.
It may take awhile before you are able to forgive yourself, but as you've said, you were quite depressed at the time. One symptom of depression can be doing things that may be injurious to oneself, so try not to beat yourself up too much. Just make sure you take care of yourself now. It might help to talk to someone about your feelings of sadness, shame and anger. I'm sure there is a counselor in the health services unit of your college that might be able to have a few sessions with you or refer you to someone who can speak with you.
It would probably be best to deal with your own feelings about having herpes before you embark on any new sexual relationships. Facing the prospect of rejection is really hard, but you'll fare better if your self-esteem is stronger. As difficult as it is to believe now, most people with herpes do generally find partners. There are certainly strategies that can be employed for telling a potential boyfriend that you have it, such as letting the relationship develop a bit before having "the talk" so you establish a trust and a comfort level with the person first.
You will find there is quite a wide net of support among those who have herpes. There are support groups, chat rooms--even dating websites. One place to start might be The National Herpes Hotline (919-361-8488), which offers referrals, support and information around such issues as self-esteem, disclosure, treatment and prevention. And you can also visit the STDs/STIs folder on the gURL message boards.
